mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
