i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
