Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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