He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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