I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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