at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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