I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
