just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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