he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
