Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
