Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
