im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
