1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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