i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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