I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?