apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house