my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i think my cat just said my name.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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