There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
