She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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