I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
