I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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