She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
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It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
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Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?