I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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