mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
