life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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