I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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