weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
