i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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