I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
