Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
