don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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