if i can run in heels then i can drive
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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