i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Randomize
