when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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