She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
