he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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