I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
