A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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