Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
