Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right