just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners