He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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