I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
