My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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