allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
