i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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