2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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