I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
