is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
