You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
