I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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