We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
