Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
