I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
