doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
