The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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