its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
love makes seman taste better
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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