who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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