Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
