the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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