Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
