Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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