just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
